My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
