ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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