You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
