I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
