I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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