I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
