It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
