Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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