Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
