doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
