I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
