I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
