Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize