Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
