There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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