I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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