i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
