Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize