i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
