On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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