I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
