I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
