Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
This baby is an asshole
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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