Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
