i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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