Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
