What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
