Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
