I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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