Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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