I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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