there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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