Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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