I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize