Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
