I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
