I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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