Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
