i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
