So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
