my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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