awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I have fence marks all over my body
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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