The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize