Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
