he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
