They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize