Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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