so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
