Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
