i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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