I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
