Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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