Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
