Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
