My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize