Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
