Where did you get a picture of my penis
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
