I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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