did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
