uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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