i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
