So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
