He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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