he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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