My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?Â
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize