if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
