this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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