he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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