I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize