...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
