So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My balls are so social today.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
