No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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