Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize