I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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