Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
