just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
