decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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