I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
