So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
